среда, 15 октября 2008 г.

achy breaky heart line dance video




I donapos;t remember why I ever became the way I�am. I�mean, I�had enough love as a child growing up. I have friends. Maybe itapos;s just the fear of losing everyone again? I always lose the things I love. And Iapos;m just not strong enough to fight for anything. I just let it happen. My fear and my constant changing emotions rule my life, and I wish I could break away from it.

I�need people. I�need him. I donapos;t want to be like that. This broken, weak, pathetic girl that canapos;t stand on her own.�Thatapos;s the thing Will always used to pound into my head the most. And itapos;s the only thing I ever trusted him enough to believe. Because I already knew it before he said it. I will never ever grow up. Iapos;ll be an eternal child. Iapos;ll never be able to put myself back together. And he doesnapos;t need me like I�need him. Heapos;s a big boy. He can take care of himself.�But what about me? Who will take care of me if he leaves? I always need taken care of. Iapos;m always looking for someone to baby me, and nurse my wounds.�I remember the last time I talked to Will. "Come back when youapos;ve grown up.�Then we can talk."�Well, you wonapos;t have to worry. It wonapos;t happen.

Abandonment is probably the scariest thing in the world to me. I cling to things so much that eventually I lose them. And Iapos;m trying so hard not to do that. Not to be a big fuck up. But itapos;s hard. I canapos;t like myself.�I try, but I just canapos;t. And everytime he walks out that door, thereapos;s always the thought that maybe this is the time he wonapos;t come back. Because good things just donapos;t last for me. Heapos;s too good for me.� And he lifts me up and always acts like Iapos;m something worth having, and I want to see it. I want to be worth having. I want to be needed. But I think�Iapos;m a little too damaged to rely on.

And it makes me wonder if anyone else is as broken as I am. If anyone else stays up at night thinking about things that will never happen. Thinking about the could have beens, would have beens, and never have beens. I want to scream, kick, shout. Because I�feel like I�have it all figured out. And then I�want to scream, kick, shout because I know nothing at all.�

Old habits are hard to break.
But I wonapos;t let myself get in the way of this.
I wonapos;t let myself ruin this.
Because I want this.
I want this more than anything.
And for once, I want to be strong enough to hold onto it.
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