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Ingrate.

You treat people with double standards.

Whatever I do is nothing.
Whatever someone who is not close to you does is something.

Kiss.�My. Ass.

-

Open Day was so happening.�The amount of people crowding around the booths was a pleasant sight. I have not seen this many people in school since ever. I was so excited and enthralled to see all these kids getting hyped up about the school. Whee

If only.

-
Pizza Hut with Liyana �Sheena rocked. Love you guys

Ciao.

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acours

I canapos;t believe I let myself go under. I canapos;t believe I let myself kiss you and be kissed by you. I despise you, you butcher feelings. You butcher the meaning of intimacy. You butcher everything associated with a relationship. Sheapos;s always going to be there, I know. Sheapos;s always going to be the one you want. She is always going to be the first choice. Iapos;m sloppy seconds. Fuck me, fuck her. Itapos;s a see-saw of feelings with you. I want so badly to be rid of you, but Iapos;m addicted to the energy that comes with being alone, just us. You have something about you that I see.



Fuck you for bringing me down to your level of playing this game. Fuck myself for making myself think Iapos;m stronger than I am. Fuck myself for being so gdamn nice to you. I dot hings for you, I do for NO ONE else and you canapos;t see the special side. You canapos;t see that I put you on a podium, WAY HIGHER THAN ANYONE ELSE.


Iapos;m sloppy seconds, second helpings.
Iapos;m the ugly girl that never wins homecoming.
Iapos;m the nerd no one picks for their team.

this is the worst day, ever, probably.
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"This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum. It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time."

These words jumped off the page at me. I had seen A Course in Miracles several times at bookstores, New Age stores and the library. Marianne Williamson has been on Oprah and I've read a few of her books. But I wasn't sure I wanted to read a book that claimed to be channeled from Jesus in the 1970s. I've also heard that the language is archaic and the reading is slow and difficult.

That paragraph from the introduction, though. It resonated with me. My own life has shown me that the same lessons will appear again and again until I learn them and that no matter how much I wish I were designing my own curriculum, I am not.

This also gave me a sense of relief: if there really is a God who is in charge, then I can relax a little. I don't have to run the universe. Do you ever feel that way? Our culture is all about telling us that we create our own realities and our own lives. I'm a huge believer in personal responsibility. But that gets translated into trying to be responsible for everything on the planet, whether it's in your sphere of influence or not. We think, "I must do God's job for him."

The idea that I could just relax and study the curriculum instead of running around avoiding it was comforting. I believe I am going to read it, after all.

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Jeralyn, Barry and Gapos;s sister is at the hospital with him. This is the email we got today...finally some good news.

G is doing well today. He has been removed from the ventilator and has the tube out. So far, so good. He was in v-tach this morning only while they were removing the tube. Poor guy got 3 shocks, but since things have calmed down he has not had any more sustained v-tach. His kidney and liver functions are improved slightly, but improved is improved. He is still on dialysis and probably will be for a short time.

Barry is frustrated that he came home right as G made a huge leap ahead, and that he wasnapos;t there when he became more aware. But he also knows he needs to be here for a little bit.
He had his own doctor appointment to get baseline tests for everything...Jeralyn did the same thing at her own hospital in Libby.

Joycelyn

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Calories: 1200 - 2 points
Not bad, just... Not good. I still have my period, which makes me a carb monster. But itapos;s gone now, tomorrow should be a bit better. Hopefully. I have a hard time with weekend days, though I do feel my attitudes towards overeating change. Where before it was a treat that I�waited for all week, now Iapos;m not nearly as interested.
Try something new? Yes. Some sort of ADD meds, I hoovered up. Eh, didnapos;t do much. But, fulfilled my requirements. 2 points
Post? Thatapos;s what this is 2 points

Today: 6
Overall: 39
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Wut up, girl? Sorry if I worried anyone with my "hiatus" -- I know I said Iapos;d post more, but as soon as I did that, the week all of a sudden seemed to get REALLY busy Word up @ Fall Break, I am looking forward to that. I will also have some exciting* pictures to share with you all. Iapos;d post them now, but I am at school, killing precious time on this beautiful day until class starts...ugh. So, uh, stick around. Or something.

So, October 3+4 I took a road trip with my PARENTS to Weston, Missouri This never happens. Kryz-10 and I usually hit up this town every St. Patrickapos;s Day with a few other people, because Weston has a great Irish celebration in their pub/brewery, which is the oldest pub west of the Hudson River. Also, that was a poorly written sentence. Anyway, Ellis Island plays there so thatapos;s why we make the trip. I told my mom that Weston has over 22 blocks of historical pre-Civil War buildings and she was ALL over that. My dad probably didnapos;t care, but he went, too. Anyway, the moral of this story is that I wanna become a farmer for the sole reason of raising cute baby animals. I know my obsession with baby animals is a little strange, even for a female, but like...I really love watching the interaction of a mother animal with her babies, it just makes me wanna cry

Yeah, so that was really weird. Anyway, last Saturday, Hanna, my friend and neighbor for nearly 19 years, got married, so that was a 3-day event for me (I was a bridesmaid). It was definitely the best wedding/reception Iapos;ve ever been to, normally I hate those things, but this one went off without a hitch. People were actually DANCING at the reception Even males aged 15-40 Reception dances are HELL ON EARTH, but this crowd was so much fun I couldnapos;t believe it. The funniest part was when the dance floor was covered with white people and NONE OF US knew how to do the Electric Slide. I thought I still had that down from my Bar/Bat Mitzvah days, but apparently Iapos;m going senile.






I really wanna delete this entry because itapos;s so lame + boring, but like...I never write in this thing, so wud ev.

*to myself and my mother

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*spending a lot of time in public places lately, against rational judgement. So Here he is in the cafeteria, ignoring the leftover cake and looking for normal food that isnapos;t smothered in icing and marzipan. Itapos;s more difficult than youapos;d think*


*also apparently assbows are dry-clean only so heapos;s looking moderately normal for now*



[OoC: Fourth Wall post~ As a personal thing Iapos;d prefer that you didnapos;t post explicit images, but mentioning their existence is a-okay.]
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Nineteen years ago, in 1985, four people described a horrific murder and rape of a 68 year old woman from Beatice, Nebraska.� Three of those witnesses Ada JoAnn Taylor, James L. Dean, and Kathy Gonzalez, told investigators that two men Thomas Winslow and Joseph White repeatedly took turns raping the victim while holding her down. Taylor even said she held a pillow over the victim's face during the assault, suffocating her.� These "confessions" led to four convictions.� White was sentenced to life in prison.� Winslow, fearing the death penalty, ultimately admitted to being present at the crime scene, and pled guilty to a reduced charge of aiding and abetting a second degree murder.� Taylor was sentenced to 10 to 40 years for aiding and abetting second degree murder and Dean and Gonzalez each were sentenced to� to 10 years for aiding and abetting second-degree murder.� Case closed, right?

Well, the case was closed for 19 years until earlier this week when new DNA test results, the first to lead to the release of a prisoner in Nebraska, opened the cell doors for Joseph White.� White walked out of prison a free man, proclaiming his innocence, something he had screamed for nearly two decades but which fell upon deaf ears.� Nebraska passed its post-conviction DNA law in 2001.� DNA test results of more than 40 samples submitted to three different crime labs (blood, semen, and hair)� found at the crime scene excluded both White and Winslow.� Based on the results, Saline County District Court Judge Vicky Johnson ruled that while neither man was exonerated by the evidence, both were entitled to relief -- she granted White a new trial and ordered his release, and set Winslow up for a new sentencing hearing.� Winslow is expected to be released later this week with a sentence of time-served and barring some new evidence against White, a new trial is unlikely.�

What has happened to the other defendants is unclear from the articles in the Omaha World Herald News and other sources.� But Jerry Soucie, defense attorney for White, gave a hint of what he thinks happened in the case. He plans on writing a book on the case entitled "Four False Confessions."

Stay tuned for further developments in this potential multiple false confession case.

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My heart skips beats, and races at the mere thought of holding your hand. Butterflies and constant knots fill me to the brim, and I am speechless. And you are so comely, so beautiful and well-composed for this evening beneath the silver moonlight. Another ominous October sky, the lunar crescent attempts to shield her face with a wispy gauze so that no one will experience her complete elegance. Hopelessly, she chases the sun, wishing only to be reunited with her paramour in the heavens far above. Itapos;s unfortunate really, all she ever wants is to hold him, feel his warmth and glow. Still, the race is on until the morning comes..

Helicopters were hovering all around, that night spent on the beach. "This is fact, not fiction," you muttered between your chattering teeth, violently sucking down the nicotine. Feeling it burn your lungs, loving every moment in between drags. And you said you were scared, because you didnapos;t understand how helicopters could fly.. But, I know. They are the most pulchritudinous of all skycrafts, mystical and soaring high above, with their wings whipping around with ferocious speed. Humming me to sleep..

All I want is a sailboat, and some ocean to explore. Paintbrushes and blank canvas. I want to be alone, far from this place, from all that I know. Just me, my thoughts and the open sea.. On some desolate beach, out in the middle of the Mediterranean, surrounded by the grandeur of a once golden city, ancient Greece. With only some cheap wine to keep me company. And I drown myself, And I drown myself.. Basking in the radiant solar glare with a cool breeze combing the hair off my face, Youapos;re all I really need. They say that the captain stayapos;s fast with the ship.. And someday.. Someday I, too, will go down with this briney vessel. Belly up to the clouds, singing my heart out. Can you hear me when I sing?

I love you, just as you are. Full of content, and hands tied down to these lines weapos;ve written..

Words exchanged mean more than you can fathom. Our lives, our perceptions, are entirely based on the foundation of an assortment of sounds. Words, senses, emotions and faith are all we retain in this life.. Am I the only one who finds this to be completely astounding?




2 months ago,
and way beyond a Million miles away.
But each day, I smile
because I feel you standing
right next to me. <3

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